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When it comes to raising children, everyone has an opinion on that. Basically, there are two categories of parents: parents who think they have no idea what they are doing (but are actually better than they realize) and parents (or even child-free people) who think they know everything about raising children, but they don’t. No one really does, but everyone is trying and we all deserve credit for that, because parenting is hard work. Rewarding, but hard. For those times when you receive criticism instead of support, here are the best ways to respond to unwanted parenting advice:
Didn’t you hear? The shareholder’s meeting for my uterus got moved to 4pm. I’ll have my secretary invite you via teleconference, so we can go through the portfolio together.
Sure. Let’s take the most vulnerable beings in our society and rob them of security and attachment to the very people they trust the most. That won’t inhibit their ability to establish functional relationships in the future. By the way, how is your adult son doing in prison these days?
My midwife wanted me to set up a consultation with you about pregnancy nutrition, but I think it would be easier if I just added you as an admin on my electronic food journal. Are you on Sparkpeople or MyFitnessPal?
When exactly was your last mammogram?…Because the signs of cancer aren’t always obvious. Sometimes you can have puckering skin, discoloration, or even discharge coming from nipples. Do you have nipple discharge? (long silence) Sorry, I thought we were doing the whole let’s-talk-about-each-other’s-breasts thing.
You’re right. This little bugger needs to stop waking up in the night…He is five weeks old and he should know better by now. What a selfish little piece of work.
Oh no, it’s cool because he is actually in full body padding and a hair helmet right now. It just looks like he’s unprotected. And don’t worry that all of this gear will interfere with his ability to learn proper risk assessment–I’m sure they make hair helmets in adult sizes for when he goes to college.
Wow, I hadn’t thought of that. Nor have I read 1000 articles about the pros and cons of sleep training. I just like the feeling of waking up round-the-clock–it looks good on me. I like the way that the bags beneath my eyes have begun to resemble the underside of a jelly doughnut.
That’s tricky, because we have him in weightlifting on Mondays and Wednesdays, tightrope walking on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and glass blowing on Fridays. But I guess we can move his Saturday math league practice to Sunday and squeeze in some speech therapy. Should we go for Shakesperean English or Italian?
The shirt beneath it is pink. Let me just take the jacket off so that you’ll be more comfortable. It is below freezing, but that is no excuse for her to go around looking like a boy.
Ah yes, the magical calming powers of the tangerine. I’ve heard that they are now planning to distribute tangerines to folks in the Gaza strip in order to solve the Israel-Palestine crisis. If it’s good enough for Netanyahu, it’s good enough for my baby, amiright?
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