There is a child I’m expecting, we are just not sure when. You see, unlike my first child, I have no way of calculating the due date. This time around, my bathroom sink will not be lined with multiple pregnancy tests, as I anxiously pace to and from the bathroom for what seemed like an eternity. There will not be a celebratory happy dance as we spot the faint two lines that confirm our prayers have been answered. With our first, we knew we would meet our little one in approximately 9 months. This time around, it could be way shorter than 9 months, or it could be a whole lot longer. There will be no hot flashes, morning sickness, vertigo, swollen ankles, runny nose, or an adorable baby bump from which I would feel the joyous kicks of life. In fact, this time around, there will be no physical evidence that we are expecting at all. I think that is the most confusing thing for us as humans to grasp. We tend to need physical evidence right in front of our faces, for reality to truly sink in. We need to be able to see, feel, hear, taste, and smell it. We rely heavily on those 5 senses we are taught about from the time we are children. As an adult I am learning to rely a little less on those senses and a whole lot more on FAITH.
Faith is described as a confidence or trust in a person or thing, or a belief not based on proof. Many times in life, I have found that when I wait around for physical evidence to tell me what I should do next, I find myself stuck in stagnant waters unable to move forward in life. However, every single time I have taken a leap of faith, those are the moments the waves begin to form and I am taken to whole new levels. Together as a family, hand in hand, the three of us are taking a leap of faith and following what has been put in our hearts.
6 years ago we were blessed with a sweet, lovable, hilarious and brilliant little boy. After infant loss and miscarriages, we were thrilled. My husband and I fell in love with parenthood right from the start. I can honestly say that we savor every single moment. From the sleepless nights cuddling in the rocker, the many joyous firsts, and the laughter that fills our home, we feel blessed in every sense of the word. However, we feel as though there is a piece still missing from our puzzle. It was always our plan to give our son a sibling, however secondary infertility stopped us in our tracks. Secondary infertility – something so real that no one seems to be talking about. The giant elephant in the room, crammed between those still trying for their firsts and those who only want one child. We have heard countless times, “At least you have a child of your own,” and my favorite, “Be thankful you have a healthy son.” Be thankful? As if me wanting another child makes me an ungrateful human being. Those words sting and fill my soul with insecurities. Am I a bad person for wanting another child, a playmate for my son?
Amidst the insecurities, we have not stopped praying and hoping that one day our son would get to be the big brother he was destined to be. Some days are harder than others; those times we are at the park, enjoying the gorgeous sunlight hours, when I catch him watching the siblings playing on the seesaw. I see him watching and it crushes me. He waits for them to get off before making his way over to the red metal seat of the seesaw, hot from the sun beating down from above. He takes a seat on the one end, alone, and looks up at me. I always join him at this moment, and I always will.
Now don’t get me wrong, our son has many friends. He is far from a lonely child, even though at the moment he is an only child. He has a personality that is easy to love. People who know him want to be around him. He is caring and friendly. Sociable and hysterical. It is these things that makes me want to give him a sibling so very much. There is so much joy that this little boy can share with his little sister or brother, and we just can’t wait to see what the future has in store for our little family.
Right now, we are the very beginning stages of adoption. Paper chasing, they call it. Our application is out of our hands and into the Universe now. While physically I am not showing any signs that there is a child I’m expecting with my husband, if you were to ask me about it you would find that I am GLOWING. So while we wait, we will pray, and we will never lose FAITH. Please feel free to ask questions and pray with me, just don’t touch my belly :).
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- Why The Wonderful Child I’m Expecting Needs More Than 9 Months - November 25, 2015