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The Truth About Being a Mommy In 10 Funny Facts

You made it! After a 9-month journey which felt like a rollercoaster ride – it literally did, especially with the part when the ride is over and you are rushing to the nearest bathroom – your baby was finally in your arms, ready to be flooded with love. Because no matter how uncertain you were about your success rate as a mother, one thing was certain – you would love him more than you thought you were capable of. And even though you were expecting the chaos and the mayhem in form of a wall redecoration with spaghetti sauce or with milk spilling everywhere expect in your child’s mouth, you were surprised just how much you ended up laughing at your own expense. Motherhood can be exasperating, because the baby doesn’t come with an instruction manual, but if you manage to laugh by the end of the day about your own parenting fails, then it can’t be that bad. Here are 10 funny facts of being a mommy:

1) Lego blocks will be the most frequently-played game…

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…even if most of the time, ‘playing’ pretty much means stepping on a piece which was left behind *over-the-top screaming insures*. But, on the bright side, those blocks really spark children’s imagination. You will see them create a crocodile using just a few tiles and that crocodile will turn into a puppy the next day because, uh, you had some fun of your own too.

2) Time becomes really really relative

See you in 10 minutes!” becomes “Oh my God, I am so sorry for being 2 hours late”, while internally, you’re thinking: “She should be happy that I even managed to come at all!”. Having kids made you delusional. You think you’ll have enough time to arrive at your meeting if you leave the house two hours in advance. But, suddenly, your boy can’t find his baseball shirt, your girl doesn’t know where she left her tennis cap and they started to channel Superman, putting their underwear over their pants.

3) If speed peeing were an Olympic sport, you would get a Gold Medal

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Remember the times when you used to stay minutes in the bathroom? Sure, your errr…issues didn’t need that much time, but it was cool to just meditate or read the latest news. Now? It’s peeing-on-the-go. Basically, you are already done by barely even sitting on the toilet seat, because you are so worried that in the meantime, your children could flood the guest bathroom, throw the Wii remote control at the TV or draw on the walls with crayons. Things don’t get easier once they learn not to behave like Tasmanian Devils, because of course, the moment you will enter the bathroom, you’ll hear knocks on the door and desperate cries: Mom, where is my [insert favorite kid item here]??? Mom, the cat just jumped on the table! Mom, can we order pizza? Mom, why is the sky blue?

4) When someone is accidentally waking up the baby, you feel like Darth Vader screaming “NOOOO!” in slow motion

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Success! After trying about 5436 sleep techniques, using most of the words present in the dictionary to put your baby to sleep and holding him for countless hours, he’s finally in ZzzzzzLand! Oh my God, where’s the cocktail? This needs to be celebrated. Enter husband a.k.a. the villain of the story, who comes in like a tornado, going all “Honeeeey, I’m hooome!” on you. Oh no, you didn’t!

5) “Now that I am a mother, I have SO MUCH free time!” – said no mom ever!

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Honestly, after you started being a mom, you won’t even remember the definition of ‘free time’ anymore. This is another chapter taken from the “Delusional Mom” book, because with kids who need to be constantly cleaned, pampered, fed and removed from the path of the furniture, a ‘girls’ night out’ sounds more like “Mission: Impossible”. That’s when the ‘ex-non-mommy guilt’ kicks in, because all this time, you sort of judged your friends with kids who were constantly declining the invitations to hang out or who were failing to return your calls. You thought motherhood would be different for you and that they were just exaggerating, but now that you are a mother yourself, well…IT WAS ALL TRUE! Sorry fellow moms for not understanding you! Now I know things!

6) OK, so eventually, you did manage to leave the house without the kids clinging to your legs, but…

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Oh my God, a Ladies Night! The gates of heaven are opening and angels are singing Hallelujah! Finally, you will be able to catch up with everyone and spend at least 3 hours without mentioning your children. Except…you mention them every damn minute. Hey, you have no idea what my child did last week! You should see his drawings – I think he will be the next Michelangelo. And my daughter is a prodigy, she plays Chopin like a pro already. And did I already mention that I convinced them to eat their vegetables? Also, my kids played in mud and slipped. SO CUTE! I actually have a picture of them – wanna see it? The ladies night turns into gushing-for-three-hours-straight-about-my-children night. And who can blame you, really, when they are your pride and joy?

7) You suggest to your husband that he should hold the baby for a while too, RIGHT WHEN HIS DIAPER HAS A HEAVY LOAD

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“Oh wow, what a coincidence that it happened right when you were holding him!” – don’t forget to cross fingers behind your back as you say this. Let’s face it – changing diapers is a dirty job both literally and figuratively, and sometimes, you are simply not having it. And that’s OK; being a mommy allows you to get away with it. It’s even better if there is someone you can hand the baby…I mean, the responsibility to, and put an Oscar-worthy performance as you feign surprise.

8) You enjoy so much putting your kids in ugly clothes, that you almost feel guilty about it

It always happens – there is this one relative (grandma) who has no fashion sense whatsoever and who showered you with clothing gifts you wanted to burn when you were a child. But of course, your mother made you wear them, because you know – pics or it didn’t happen. “Now now honey, don’t make that face! You know how much auntie loves you and we need to show her that you wore her sweater!” Luckily, it was a one-time-only thing, but the picture was well kept and shown countless times, accompanied by laughs. You wanted to stick your head in the sand, but now that you are a mother, you do see the fun in it. And you feel kinda bad about it, because you know that your children are probably as mortified as you were.

9) Trying not to forget anything you need for your vacation and pretty much forgetting EVERYTHING

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Not to be confused – everything belonging TO YOU. Since your children are your priority, you will obviously pack their clothes, meals, diapers, pacifiers, favorite toys, portable DVD player, tablet, toothbrushes, caps and even the CD with those road trip children songs you absolutely can’t stand. You won’t leave any single item behind. As for your own persona though – Oh no, did I really forget my toothbrush? Where did I put my pajamas? And my reading glasses? How can I possibly blog without my laptop charger? Wait, what? I forgot my cell phone charger as well? Never mind, I didn’t even take my cell phone with me.

10) Leaving your kids at home with your husband and totally freaking out about it

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“Don’t worry! The kids and I will have such a blast!”. These words bring you so much comfort and you trust your husband so much, that you actually call him every 2 minutes, just to check if the house didn’t catch on fire. “Did you feed them? Did you remind them that it’s not OK to punch each other? Did you make sure that they didn’t watch TV for more than 3 hours? Did you play dolls with them? Did you check if they have fever?”

When life gives you kids, you make sure that no day passes without laughing either with them, about them or about yourself.

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A community of parents and parenting experts, who like to think that they are know-it-alls when it comes to raising children. Yet, they still have the occasional question marks above their heads, when their children suddenly ask them why aren't they allowed to chew on their socks. But they DO have more parenting answers than questions, which they are happy to share with the world in an informative, charming and funny manner. On Mum.info you can find out what you are doing wrong as a parent, how to do it right and how to embrace the failures.
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